Why my DVR and I are breaking up.

I think I must really like getting disappointed by men. Really. Like- in an almost dirty, sexualized way. Here's why- I set myself up for it so often, even when I can see the disappointment coming, even when I can feel the inevitable breakdown and the tears springing to my eyes I do it. I fall for the wrong guy, I start liking the wrong guy. I try again with the wrong guy even when I know there is no chance. I only like guys who don't like me. I make out with the Drop Dead Fred look alike in a cheezy college bar. It's sick. It's a sick, dark addiction- it's like, I must get off on it. Like, some people are into s&m, role playing, erotic asphyxiation (which is so weird) I'm into disappointment. Big time. Maybe the getting off is a bit much. But, seriously. What's the deal?

I'm sitting there with my damn crocheting (which is turning out SO cool) and my ultra light beer going- where is Mr. Right- Where is Mr. Right now? Where the hell is Mr. Wow-you're-so-hot-I-just-need-to-tear-your-clothes-off-this-instant? Why is he constantly being usurped by Mr. Gee-you're-sweet-and-I-guess-good-looking-if-I-thought-of-you-that-way-which-I-don't-so-no-hard-feelings? Arrrg.

All of this crap came up just the other day when I was disappointed, yet again by my live in boyfriend. Now, he's never disappointed me before. He's usually right there,dependable- always having what I need, when I need it. Even if it's early in the morning- even if it's 3am, he's right there. Sometimes, he'd even anticipate something I might like and surprise me with it when I came home. He used to be the best boyfriend ever. Then I moved to Peoria. I tried to tell him it was only temporary. Okay- I tried to tell him," look, it's not that big of a deal. I'll be back every now and then. November will come before you know it." But it was too much. He buckled under the pressure. All of the demands of staying here and waiting for me just piled up. It got backed up and backed up until- he cracked. My TiVO stopped recording shows for me. Now, I'll accept part of the blame here. I should have checked in more often, but, please, okay? It's a computer. It should have more than a few hours of memory! And then after I erased all of the back up, some of which, I might add was ridiculous (Boston Legal indeed) it just stopped recording things it used to record. It's like, I have to reprogram everything. It's like- it's like none of our history even matters. Don't we mean anything, you bastard? Was the last year nothing to you? What about the laughter, the tears... WHAT ABOUT GILMORE GIRLS AT FIVE IN THE MORNING, HUH?!?! I'm sorry, I get emotional. So, look, I can't depend on him. Not anymore. I can't take morning after morning of disappointment, misery, heart ache. I can't take the giddy anticipation of being able to watch Grey's Anatomy with my morning coffee only to be let down by an empty hardrive. It's over. Well- sort of. I called Cox and got a new box.. Same thing, right? Goodbye, DVR of old. It's better to have loved and lost, I guess.

I need a date. Soon.