What would Briscoe say?

Oh, wow. I have to say this. I just did something... bad. Really bad. I shoplifted. I know. I KNOW. I'm just a terrible person. When I was in jail (oh, I love saying that) there was this woman who was a tragic meth addict and who made her living shoplifting. Apparently she was really good at it too. She could like, lift $500 worth of merchandise from wal-mart and then fence it for drug money. I mean, that's a horrible lifestyle, but to do all that and not get caught? I mean, wow.

But, no I didn't do anything that bad. Although I guess, I don't know- If you step off the edge of the Grand Canyon or you take a running leap, the end is still the same, right? Anyway- Here's the scoop. I had to go to Fry's to buy more sleeping pills. So I got distracted while I was there. They were having a sale for VIP club members on make-up. Make-up! I can't resist a sale on make-up! So I got an eyeliner- then I saw this sleep mask. I used to have this really rad sleep mask, but I lost it in London. Anyway, I've been in the market for a new one and this one was like $2.50. So okay- cutting to the chase. Fry's has these highly sophisticated self check out thingies. You scan the item and put it in the bag and there is a scale under the bag that can determine if the thing you took off the original platform is the same weight as the thing you just put in the bag. So, I'm scanning away, I scan the eyeliner and put it in the bag, but apparently, it's too light for the mechanism to make the distinction of whether or not I did infact put it in the bag. So I go to pick up my sleep mask and the machine commands me to "Place the item in the bag." I hadn't scanned it yet. So I think about it... and I dropped it in the bag. The machine was satisfied, I saved $2.50. Everybody wins.

But no, everybody doesn't win! After I got done checking out, I became convinced that the red headed check out girl who was monitoring the lines had made me. That's right, she made me. I was a perp- and she was getting the five-o on my ass. I had to get away from the scene of the crime ASAP, but I couldn't run, that would only draw attention. Careful not to make any awkward glances over my shoulder, I speedwalked into the shadows. Every time a car passed me, I was sure it was the cops. I had to get my story straight. "What? I didn't steal anything. It said 'Place the item in the bag' I was only doing as I was told." Airtight. Who could argue that? So, I'm walking along, as inconspicuous as possible, I'm making my way down the street- and what do you know? A cop. A damn cop. How did they find me? My heart started palpitating as the cop seemed to slow as he passed me. I turned up my Ipod (I believe I was playing *Nsync's "Just the Two of Us"), tried to act natural. I could hear my heart in my ears, I was sweating out my eyeballs. I tried not to look, but I think I made direct eye contact with the officer.... and he just kept driving. Right past me! Maybe it was the innocent look of sheer terror on my face or the inconspicuous, hot pink hoodie I had on. Whatever it was, I was spared. Oh, God- it was the longest walk home, ever! I've learned my lesson. I've been scared straight!

I've considered making a check out to Fry's and then sending it anonymously, but, I think I better not. They can trace the mail, right- Oh, my God, I used a credit card. They can trace those. Oh, Jesus, the jig is up. I'm going back inside. Well, I'm not going without a fight! This is the best god damn free sleep mask I've ever had! You'll never take me alive, coppers!!!