My last few days in High School

I'm gonna be twenty-eight in 7 days.

You would think that this would be a time for me to be reflecting on life and relationships, to respect and fully realize my journey, who I am now, who I was then what I've grown to be, and accept what being twenty-eight really means. However, as I'm sure you read in the title... This was not the case. I have spent the last few days in what I can only assume is some sort of time warp into the abyss of High School! I'm not upset, more like highly aware and alert for the first time in awhile. so:

Here is want I've learned in my 28 years:

Don't argue with people about religion and politics. If they beleve differently that you, your opinion isn't going to change their minds. It's best to just keep your mouth shut.

Any marathon of basic cable is a reason to spend the day in bed.

Don't put expectations about yourself on anyone else. Just because you expect yourself to behave a certain way doesn't mean that others have those same standards for themselves. This will keep you from being disappointed in people.

Don't compare yourself to people doing better than you are. That will just make you hate yourself for not being what they are and who can live up to that kind of scrutiny?

If it's a crass movie with no discernable plotline and no comedy besides fart jokes and titty shots, its going to suck. I don't care if Will Ferell is in it, it's going to suck. Don't ask me if I've seen it. I haven't. It sucks.

Forget about soulmates. It's too much pressure. If the person you can't wait to talk to in the morning is your best gal pal, and you just can't wait to fill her in on celebrity gossip- maybe that's your soulmate.

Don't worry about looking stupid in front of your friends. Believe it or not, your friends love you for all of the bizzare little indiosyncrasies you have. And if they don't then they are not your friends.

Nobody wants to hear about your diet woes- mostly because they have no idea how to react when you say you're fat. Just try to take better care of yourself if you want to lose weight. And don't complain about your weight with a cheeseburger hanging out of your mouth.

It's okay to hate people who have hurt your friends, even if you have never met them. Just don't expect them to do the same.

If you get you hopes up about anything, anything at all, they will inevitably get crushed.

There's a point where talking to strangers becomes creepy. "Excuse me, do you know what time it is?" or "That's a fabulous purse" is acceptable, but anything further than that becomes awkward. Under no circumstances is it appropriate to share you life story with a complete stranger. Look, I'm sorry you had to work a double today and your boyfriend left you this morning and you have a bad back, but I really don't care. Just bring me my damn martini.

Just get it over with, whatever it is. Whether it's cleaning your room or doing your taxes or breaking up with the wrong guy, just do it. Yeah, it will suck while you're going through it, but you'll feel so much better once it's done.

Sometimes, you have to watch yourself in front of other people. Nobody is asking you to change your personality, but simply being courteous is just expected. That's why they call it "common" courtesy.

In the end, sleep is more important. Sure, I'll sleep when I'm dead, but then I won't have the next day to beneift from what a good night's sleep I've had.

And finally:

Twenty-eight isn't that old. Sure, I may look at my twenty-three year old best friend and think about how old I feel compared to her, but somewhere, there is a thirty-five year old thinking the same thing about me.

Unable to resist...

MEN SUCK.

I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to say it. I'm not supposed to be the "all men are assholes" girl. Alright- my brother is not an asshole, okay? I guess Barak Obama isn't an asshole. But seriously, the unfortunate cesspool of men that I have surrounding me everyday have done nothing but prove themselves to be ASSHOLES!!! My best friend's ex- asshole. Her former roomate, the evil puppetmaster? Asshole. My dad? Asshole. That mother fucker of a spineless,dickless waste of skin who didn't call last weekend? ASSHOLE!! Columbian heir/ wannabe pimp? asshole. Mr. "Do you want to go out some time?" possibly an asshole. We'll see. I want to go on record as saying that if they don't clean up their act, I'm gonna be the all men are asholes girl.

so there ya go.

Sister, you're much better off...

Dude- so my bestie and the worst human being in the world (AKA her boyfriend) finally broke up. Thank God!! He is a MORON!!!

He had no idea that not only was he not good enough for her, but he never will be and she just did something that will save her life. He should : Grow up, get a life, figure out how to balance a checkbook, take care of his kids and LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE!!!!!

What he shouldn't do: Call her, text her, beg and cry to her, send her suicide threats via text, show up at her work, yell at her, tell her she ruined his life- pretty much everything he's done for the past few days. HE is the BIGGEST LOSER!!!

Um, yeah- just had to get that out.

I hate men!

Playing with matches....

I watched a High School production of Fiddler on the Roof yesterday. I am now seeking medical attention for the giant hole in my ocular cavity resulting from the ice pick I repeatedly jabbed into my eye. I kid of course.

I did, however find profound and sage advice in an oldie but goodie "Machmaker" I suppose it comes from my current diagnoses of terminal singlehood (it's so tragic) and the man-problem epidemic that seems to be running rampent among my friends. Observe.

"Matchmaker, matchmaker, you know that I'm still very young. Please, take your time. Up to this minute I misunderstood that I could get stuck for good........ Matchmaker, matchmaker plan me no plans. I'm in no rush. Maybe I've learned: Playing with matches a girl can get burned."

Wow. Go on with your bad self, Sheldon Hardick.

Stuff that happens...

I am thankful for the sun.

I am thankful for my job.

I am thankful for the cool breeze.

I am thankful that Joe Francis is in Jail.

Neener.

Actually, I had to add to that.

Here's the thing- and seriously, don't feel too sorry for me. I DO get disappointed by guys. They always, always disappoint me. But it's not their fault, it's mine. It's my fault for ever believing that I was ever going to find anyone who wouldn't disappoint me. It's my fault for getting my hopes up, for thinking this time will be different- I'm not THAT girl. I'm not the one who gets men to fall in love with her- I'm the one who gets men to screw her and then take off- if it gets that far.

I'm not asking for diamonds, cars, marriage proposals, caviar and lobster- I want someone to be nice to me. To treat me with respect and maybe laugh at my jokes. I want someone to look at me the way I see other guys look at their girlfriends. I want someone to take an interest in me and what i do. What I don't want:

Guys who don't call.
Guys who only want one thing and ridicule and chastise me for not wanting it as well.
Guys who force me, or hit me.
Guys who lead me on.
Guys who lie.
Guys who treat me bad or make fun of me all the time.
Guys who tell me what's wrong with me.
Guys who don't look at me at all.

I'm not chopped liver. I may not be flawless, but I've worked hard to be what I am and I used to think I deserved a nice guy. But here's what I think now- yes, it is my fault. It's like beating myself over and over with a hammer and expecting it to feel good the next time. Its never going to change. I promise- I will not let it surprise me next time. Infact, fuck that. There will not be a next time. You think I have walls up now? Get ready for a god dammed fortress.

So there ya go.

I don't know. Not surprised.

Dissapointed but not surprised. What a shock. What a fucking shock.

Fuck it, that mother fucker can get it too, fuck him.

Who is she anyway?

Oh. My. God.

I should quit drinking. I have no idea who the hell I become when I'm wasted.

Sweet Lord- I can tell you who I am today. Hungover and Humiliated. Hey- alliteration. Who knew?

Because you gotta have a gimmick...

Okay, God, dammit, I've had enough. I really can't stand this chess game we call dating. Two reasons. 1: Everyone SAYS they hate games and yet everyone plays them because 2: Everyone thinks everyone else is playing games and they are terrified of being real while the other person out games them. I think it's bullshit- and yet- so clever.

I thought I spoke fluent game. But I was wrong. I wish there was a GSL (Game as second language) class at the local community college for me to take. It's a subject I'm very interested in. Dude, what the fuck, Karaoke guy? seriously!

Sexy Texty

I don't know. Maybe it's because it's so private and no one can see them but you, but there is nothing I like more than a little sexy texting. Well, some things- but not much.

You can sexy text anywhere. Work, school, church, the subway- no one knows what you're doing. Not like filthy stuff, save that for when you see them, but some choice puns, finely placed euphimisms, a little of the (dot, dot, dot). It' so exciting, and it just makes you want them more, right?

Still thinking about karaoke boy and I shouldnt be. This is how it fails. I know it. All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade, but, I like shiny things. I'm gonna play this one out.

Well anyway- there ya go.

Abide? I cant stand them!

That song "I Hate Men" from Kiss Me Kate is all fucked up. Here's why:

All of the things she talks about in the song are about husbands. How husbands are assholes- which indicates marriage. WRONG.

If you can get a fucking man to return a fucking phone call, you are a superhero and should have a comic book named after you.

SuperKate.