MILKSHAKE!!!!!!

Okay, I haven't updated for awhile and that's for two reasons.

1: Things have been pretty lowkey and I don't want to be the bitchy blogger who just complains about absolutely nothing.

2: The Show that I started in the last entry ended up not, well, let's say- fun for me. So I didn't blog about it. (we all know how much trouble that gets me into.)

But- I'm about to leave for another contract, and I have to tell you about what has been maybe, the worst week, ever. No really. EVER. So convinced am I that it was, infact the worst week ever that I'm going to begin with the end, just to get you going. That's how I work. I want you to make the sound you make when someone tells you something really bad happened to them, that actually has happened to you- you know the one. " My tire blew out on the freeway, you guys." "Awwwww." That's the sound. You've made it, you love it, you're about to make it right now. Here's the end of my week, people. Root canal. That's right, root canal. Lets bring it back.

So- like two weeks ago, I'm eating grape nuts cereal (I hear it cleans out the arteries) and I feel this really bad feeling in the back of my mouth. It's not a pleasant feeling- it's kind of like when you were little and you thought "Hey, how bad can chewing foil really be?' (did you just make the sound?) Yeah, it felt like that. And as I swallowed the helping of cereal on my spoon, I realized that, wow- that did not taste like grape nuts. No. I had swallowed a filling- and it wasn't just like an average filling. I have a tendency to get cavities that are so angry and swift that they destroy two teeth at once, like from the middle. So this filling- created a gaping hole- a chasm if you will in my mouth. It was from the back- but it was big. No it was really, REALLY big. I was cutting my tongue on this thing. I checked it out in the mirror after it happened, I really could have used it for storage. Okay- so you get it was big.

Now, I call the dentist- who has been my dentist since I was a child. He was like, the guy who made me swish with blue stuff two show where I wasn't brushing my teeth- remember that? Taught me how to floss, gave me that cute little sticker that said "I went to the dentist today!" and it was like a smiling tooth-This was the guy. And he's had the same staff the whole time too. So the receptionist, Holly, gets me on the phone, I tell her what happened and she's like "No, that's no big deal." I'm like "What? No this is a huge deal. I'm storing tupperware back here, it's a very big deal, Holly." She thinks I'm hilarious. See, they know I'm an actor, right, so she decides I'm just being dramatic. Like this is a bit. Hahaha That's hilarious, she wants horrible, painful reconstructive dental surgery, isn't she great? What a hoot! So she sets me up for an appointment on monday, (2 and a mother fucking half weeks later) and that's where the week begins.

Monday- I go to get what I think is going to be a regular filling. Just cover up the gaping hole and send me on my way. Well, no. See what happens when you have a fucking canyon in the back of your teeth is shit gets in there. (and I brush my teeth, people) Stuff you think is just food, candy, diet coke- it all turns into like this acidic poison that eats your teeth away. You know- plaque. So he has to drill. FUCK. I hate the drill. Oh my God, I'd rather eat my own face then have that drill on my teeth. I hate how it sounds, smells- I hate how you can feel it in your skull, kind of rattling and making your brain vibrate. The drill is Satan's tool, I know it. The devil invented the drill. So he drills (and drills, and drills) and puts a crown on my tooth and sends me on my way. I'm thinking-"Well, that sucked, but its monday- and I'll be fine. " No. NO. After the novacaine wears off and I'm home, watching The Hills (love it. LOVE IT!!!) This raging pain hits me. Like, can't see, sensitive to light, mouth throbbing like someone is repeatedly punching me in the jaw pain. I'm like- okay, gotta go back to the dentist. I call and Holly, again thinking I'm being dramatic says to me (oh, you'll love this) "Just take some Advil, honey and go to bed, you'll be fine." FUCK HER. As if I didn't try Advil immediately. Gah. So I took like eighty Tylenol PM's and went to bed.

Tuesday. Pain is worse today- as if that is possible. Today, standing hurts. Are you getting this? Being upright hurts MY TOOTH. So I call the dentist again- Holly says she can fit me in. Gee thank you. So I laid in a dark room all day with an ice pack on the side of my face, repeatedly taking fistfulls of Advil until my appointment which is late in the afternoon. My dentist is like "Well, we probably have to do a root canal. Looks like you hit the root with all that decay." Look, I don't want to sound oversensitive- but it kind of made me feel bad.Like I don't brush my teeth. Like I was sitting there in my room purposely shoving plaque into my teeth. So he does a root canal- funny thing- my teeth aren't taking to the novacaine right away. No, my lips are totally numb. My tongue can't feel a thing, but I can feel everything on my teeth. The man shoots me full of novacain SEVEN times to make it work. He drills (and drills and drills) puts a crown on and sends me on my way. Only this time- a warning. "Call if there is any pain." Okay, I was already in pain so I had no idea what to do. I took about four thousand tylenol pm's and went to bed.

Wednesday. Insane, profound pain today. I saw Jesus. I really did. He was standing in front of my bed, like reading Jane Austen. And it came in waves too so like, It would be okay, a little achey and then WHAM, Its like I got hit in the face with a truck. So I had to go back to the dentist. At this point, the staff is like annoyed at seeing me. Like I couldn't wait to see them, right? Oh, it gets better. At this point, my mouth is nearly immune to Novacaine. He shot me literally 10 times. And the last two were directly into my tooth. I shit you not. I don't need to tell you he drilled. (For like an hour. I think he saw my uterus in there) H, and by the time he was finishing up- I was starting to feel stuff. Like- I kinda knew what was going on in there. Thak God, he was almost through. He patched me up and sent me on my way.

Thursday. I'm actually awoken by pain. Yeah, Awoken. I'm trying to think of an accurate description. It's like someone took a railroad spike and with one swift move, rammed it into my face. I sat bolt upright in bed and even though it was like seven am, I called the dentist. I'm like pissy with Holly at this point, right, like it's her fault. "Uh- yeah, Holly. It still fucking hurts. Yeah, I need to come in. I don't care if it's seven am, you bitch, make it happen." I'm like Star Jones. So I go in there right after they took their lunch-so everyone's in this great mood. "Oh I had pad thai" "Oh, I had this delicious baked ziti with oregano and basil...." I'm like "I drank a fucking hamburger through a straw bitches! FIX MY TOOTH!!!" So get this. I've become immune to novacaine at this point. I swear to God. He shot me at least a blillion times and a few times directly into the nerve. I. Felt. Everything. I felt like I was being tortured, I kid you not. They should do that shit in Guantanamo Bay. There were a few nurses fucking holding me down. I felt literally everything. Unreal pain. After he was through with the brutal pain, I couldn't even speak. Not because I was numb- because the pain was so intence I couldn't make word sounds. I was like limping out of the office. I looked like a released hostage.

So, okay, Friday, I was still in pain. Throbbing, the whole nine, right? But I would be DAMNED before they fucking sent me back to Guantanamo. I wasn't going. I was like "Fuck it. I dont have to eat. I'll live off Advil, slim fast and a prayer." But, of course, as the day progressed, it got worse- before I knew it it was nine pm, I was crying like a little bitch and I knew I had to call the dentist. Ha ha- funny story. He was gone. Like- out of state. Yeah, fucker decided to vaca while there was a little war happening on my mouth. I know, he's a human, blah, blah- I'm the only one that matters here, okay? So I mixed a cocktail of vodka (yeah, I drank, deal with it) Advil pm and valium. (yummy) and went to bed.

This morning, I called his emergency referal service and walked, yes, walked to this other guys office. The new doc was so cool. He was like Rebel Dentist (Not in a Little Shop way cause whoa..) He had like cargo shorts on and like this AC/DC shirt on, he's got the tv going, you know, like a Harley out back, he's totally rad, right? He's all youngish and adorable. He takes a look at my x-ray and get's all gentle with me like- "Well, I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but I gotta rip that temporary bad boy off and figure out what the hell is still making you hurt." It was kind of dreamy. Then again, I was completely delerious. I thought the starbucks guy was dreamy and he was a she. Okay- so he rips the bad boy off, and turns out- I had like a resorption thing happening. Ha ha. Do you know what that is? It's when your nerve literally eats itself. So basically the inside of my tooth was just raw flesh and enflamed nerves. Yummmm. So here we go again, right? Novacain, feeling the whole thing, terror, tears- no. No! This guy had the good shit. Oh my God, he was THE MAN!!! He like shot me with something that was so intense, I was like a stroke victim. Half of my face was totally numb, I'm not kidding. Drill, drill, drill, fill, fill, fill- he prescribes me Vicodin (Thank you God) and I walk home. I might marry him.

I'm supposed to have all of my laundry done. I was supposed to have done alot of things this week- I'm SUPPOSED TO LEAVE ON MONDAY MORNING. Instead- Worst. Week. Ever. Was I right?

So okay- I want a milkshake, It's a thing with me. Its my reward for dental surgery, but I'm not gonna have one. I'm gonna take my vicodin and go to bed. Hopefully, next week is better- Oh who am I kidding? I could be abducted and it would be better. Infact, if I got abducted by aliens on the way to the airport Monday morning, my week would fucking rule compared to this week.

Well there ya go.

Oh, and hopfully I'll talk to you soon.