I hate hospitals. I know everyone does, but I have a particular disdain for anything having to do with hospitals. I can't really tell you why, but they make my skin crawl- and they give me a raging migraine. First of all, I hate the smell- that overly disinfected/death smell- it only comes in hospitals. And it's everywhere. If you're in a hospital long enough, it's in your clothes. Hell, it's on YOU. Then there's the fluorescent lighting that just glares down on you and makes everyone look like the worst version of themselves. It brings out every discoloration and every wrinkle and vein and no one looks good- they all look sick and pale. There's the muted colors- the beige and the jaundice yellows, the mint greens, and the grey- God, grey everywhere! Who said that these colors were soothing? They're horrible! And- of course who can forget the mood? How can you be in a good mood in the hospital? Everyone there is either in an incredible amount of pain or is worried about someone who is in an incredible amount of pain. People are crying, pacing, fretting, praying- or trying to forget how much pain they are in. Even worse than the people in pain- are the miserable, the helpless. The people that are very old or very sick, so sick that there is no hope. And the sounds. People screaming or crying, loud, hacking coughs, vomiting- or worse, the beeping. That beeping- you know what I'm talking about. The sound of heart monitors, breathing machines, nurse call buttons- or the worst beep of all-the one long, loud beep- The sound that comes when someone codes. You know it when you hear it- someone is dying. Everyone in the room tries to ignore it, but you all hear it and you all know what it means.
I hate hospitals. And it takes a lot to get me into one. I'll go if my friends are in trouble or if they are incredibly sick. I'll go if my family needs me. I'll avoid it for as long as I can if I'm sick- but I'll go if I have to. I just can't stand it. It puts a terrible feeling in my gut. A feeling of dread and of panic and I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's like I'm climbing the walls.
My dad is in the hospital. I love him very much and I will be there every day- because worse than visiting a hospital is being stuck there because your life depends on it. And worse than that: being in a hospital with no link to the outside world. I find myself making deals with God. Take his pain away- swap our places at least for the time that I'm here. But that doesn't happen. Instead, I squirm, my skin itches, my head pounds and I feel like I must be the worst person in the world. Because while my dad- my Father is laying in this hospital so damn grateful that I'm here visiting him, all I can think about is getting out, going home, having a giant glass of wine and trying to forget the HOSPITAL.
He'll be okay. I just fuckin loathe hospitals.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment