Typhoid Mary

You know when you're sick- or rather are about to get sick and you make the mistake of mentioning it to a group of people- (either you say something like "God, my throat is so sore." or "I have the worst sinus headache") and they do that thing that is equal parts funny and obnoxious- they back up? They do that sudden step backwards like you just spilled something? Ever notice how literally ten minutes later everyone has forgotten that you just admitted you were about to get a cold/the flu/a sinus infection and once again shares space with you? Sure, they might remember you're sick if they're sharing a drink or a taste of their food, but nobody is really that freaked out about it. Know what the ONE ailment is that no one ever forgets about?



That's right. Pink Eye.

I have this horrible luck with pink eye. Every single time I've ever had a cold, it is without fail followed up by a nasty case of the gooey grossness. It's horrible and annoying because A: Everyone can immediately tell you have it. B: No one will come within ten feet of you, ever. and C: It's the sickness that you don't feel. You're not achey, you don't have the sniffles or a sore throat- just nastiness that's literally written all over your face- and what's worse, there is nothing you can do about it without a doctor! You got a headache? Take an asprin. A cold? Day quil it's ass. Bleeding gums? Listerine. Can't sleep? Unisom. Pink Eye? Hope you have health insurance! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!?!?

People also have an irrational gross out reaction to it. I got sent home from work today (even though I've been on antibiotics for 24 hours). I was sitting on the bus (a one-two punch if you ask me) thinking What luck! I don't have to work today and I'm not sick!!! So I called up a friend.

"What's up?" asked my friend as he answered the phone, "I thought you had to work today."

"Yeah, I have pink eye so-" I didn't even get through the sentence when I noticed a dramatic change in the seating positions of the other passengers. Suddenly, people were leaning away from me, covering their faces- some even changed seats so they wouldn't be near me. It was like I had suddenly pulled out a bag of dog shit and began snacking on it. And this is the CITY BUS. The place where the homeless spend the day because of the air conditioning. The place where drunks vomit on a nightly basis. The place where meth addicts hock bloody loogies. These people wouldn't bat an eye if I had said "Yeah, it turns out I have chlamydia" or "they sent me home on account of the chronic diarrhea and bloody stools" Not an eye. But pink eye put the fear of God in them.

What really irks me is that just last night, I watched as my friend, Catherine made out with a stranger in a bar. A hot stranger- no- a REALLY hot stranger. And Catherine- has what is possibly the WORST cold in the history of time. (BTW don't ask me what possessed her to decide to go out that night)And it was no secret. She was sneezing and hacking and coughing. Every two minutes or so, she would sniff, dramatically and her clogged sinuses would make an audible slurping sound. It was gross- but not so gross that Hot Guy didn't want to make out with her. Oh- but pink eye? "Don't touch me, don't hand me anything you've touched- don't even look at me. I'll get the horrible, sticky, death plague."

So, here I sit- on Valentines day, no less- continuing my use of antibiotic drops every three hours and feeling- not sick- but annoyed, and sometimes a little itchy, but that's to be expected.

Don't worry- you can't get pink eye from reading this blog.