Even London has to have a Compton.

When you think of London, what do you think? Buckingham Palace, West End, Museums, cobblestone roads, Piccadilly Circus- am I hitting the mark here? Look, I've been there several times and it's still all romantisized in my mind. I mean- even the most disgusting dregs of humanity that cus and smoke like chimneys still have the accent, and the bad parts of town still have the cobblestone roads- its a win win. There's another thing too. They look down on us. I know it's incredibly xenophobic, but can you blame them? I mean they have a different cafe on every corner, free admission to museums, artful cathedrals, etc- we have monster truck ralleys, Walmart on every corner and George Bush. (Even after he's out of office, he's still from here and we can't do anything about that. I've given it some thought...)

So Imagine my shock to find- A ghetto. A real, live, more liquor stores than banks ghetto. even more shocking my BROTHER, my flesh and blood,more stable, better educated, better spoken, (but not better looking. Hey, sorry. God doesn't give with both hands.)brother living in it. At first I thought I might be mistaken. I mean- It's London, after all. The Queen- she's the Queen of England, you know? How could a place that has the most amazing history, architecture, and the ROYAL FAMILY have a ghetto?

And then I saw this. You're reading that correctly, friends. It's a chicken and rib house. I mean it might as well be Rosco's. That's when I started to really look around. I mean- take some walks around the neighborhood. One thing I realized- there was one grocery store on the block and one drug store- and yet FIVE liquor stores and THREE bars.

And the kids! Look, okay, I think little kids from England with the little accents are maybe the cutest things ever. I mean, come on. But these kids? No- these were like thugged out, dickhead, drunken, bat-shit crazy mutant kids. And yes- while I will freely admit that a thugged out Brit is incredibly funny; when you see them take a bag of rocks and hurl them at a bike cop with absolutely no fear, it's also quite disturbing. Especially for an American. It's like seeing a sweet old lady give a beat down to her cat. It's like DOES NOT COMPUTE.

So I started getting used to the idea. And the noises. For example, there was a loud and drunken shouting match practically every night in the streets. And the sound of raucous, drunken teenagers, swearing and breaking wine bottles, became but a white noise after the first week. And then came the GUN INCEDENT!!!!

I bet you're thinking "But wait, no way. Aren't guns illegal in the UK??!" Yes, yes they are. But sure enough, on my last night in London, there was an incident. A full blown, fight in the street, shots fired, CSI: London incedent right across the street from my brother's house. Here is my proof:

I'm not being a drama queen (type c, thank you very much) here. This was literally ACROSS the street from the flat where my brother, sister-in-law and this little man (If you don't think he is the CUTEST thing alive, you simply are not human.)live. Where they live, sleep, eat their vegetarian meals, where they watch tv and read the paper! Across the street. Like we heard the entire fight from beginning to end!We saw the gun and got the plate numbers from the shooter. I mean- DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!!

So- what is my purpose in sharing this little gem with you? Was it to get all self righteous and "Proud To Be An American"? No. I simply wanted you to remember that every rose has it's thorn, every model has a flaw (just ask Tyra)- and even London has a ghetto.

And there ya go.