4am and she's typing cuz' she's still awake.....

Sleep. The ungettable get.


I've been functioning insomniac for fifteen years. I'm gonna let that sink in for a second. I get alot of reactions to that. Usually the reaction I get to that is "You haven't slept in FIFTEEN YEARS?!?!" Well, no, of course not. I'd be dead if that were true.

Sometimes it's just pity. "Oh, my God. That sucks." Yeah, yeah it does.

Some people have to know how I cope- "Well, what do you do?" I lay there, I toss I turn. I turn on the tv, I turn off the tv. I read. I listen to music. I blog.....

And then comes the advice. Oh, the advice. I think that some people think that insomnia is like the hiccups, and that all I have to do is come upon the perfect cure and then, poof! I'll sleep like a baby! Trust me, friends, I have in fact, tried everything, EVERYTHING you can think of to fall asleep. (Except meditation, brother o' mine, which I will explain in a minute)

Some things I've attempted in my pursuit of the perfect night's sleep:
Teas
Warm Milk
Warm Baths
Warm Milk Baths
Exersizing right before bed
Performing the exact same ritual before I go to sleep every night so my body knows it's time to shut down
Reading
Counting Sheep (yeah, I did that)
Melatonin
Moving all of my furniture that isn't my bed out of my bedroom, so that my mind will only associate the room with sleep (Laughable)
A glass of red wine
A bottle of red wine
No alcohol at all
Repeating a mantra
Not eating for 3 hours before bed
Lavender
sleep masks

Are any of these sounding familiar? It's probably because either you've heard it or you've dispenced it. Truth: NONE OF THEM WORK FOR ME!!!!! Infact, I can count on one hand the amount of times I've fallen asleep naturally in the last fifteen years without the aid of some sort of drug. Off hand- three. THREE.

So what do I do? I take pills. I take ALOT of pills. I know it's wrong and unhealthy and probably doing unspeakable things to my liver- but I need the pills. I NEED the sweet release of sleep, when my body and my racing, ADD mind simply can't fight the glorious strength of whatever OTC remedy cocktail I've concocted. And it's always OTC, mind you. I'd love- no, love isn't a strong enough word- die, kill for, maim for, pillage and do unspeakable acts for a paid prescription to one of those drugs I see comercials for. Lunesta. Isn't that green butterfly pretty? I WANT IT!!!! Sadly, no money and no medical insurance..... You know what the worst part of it is? Sometimes- once a week at least- the pills aren't enough! So I'm blitzed out of my mind and still awake! What justice is there in the world?!?

The most common reaction I get to the admission of a fifteen year old bout with insomnia is this "What happens? Why can't you sleep?" I usually try to explain by saying "I have a racing mind" or "I can't stop thinking". But this isn't an accurate depiction. Thinking isn't exactly what keeps me awake- because it's not neccesarily tangible thoughts. Picture this: There you are lying in your bed. It's the perfect temperature, your body is relaxed, you have the absolute ideal number of pillows to support your head and neck- yet there next to your bed, someone is sitting there talking. They go on about your day, what so and so really meant when they said whatever they said. How so and so may have taken it when you said whatever you said.They talk about tv shows. They sing songs. Not just popular songs- showtunes, commercial jingles, the musical bridge to November Rain, the theme song to Family Matters. They do poetry. Jaberwocky- really, That person is sitting next to your bed literally going "Twas brillig, and the slithy tothes did gire and gimble in the wabe...." Monologues, jokes, the perfect comeback to something someone said six years ago. They tell you what to wear tomorrow- do you get it? THEY DON'T SHUT UP!!!!! The only way to shut them up? DRUG THEM. Drug them hard, drug them alot. Drug them now- drug them before they get a chance to pull up that chair- Drug the hell out of them so severly that they not only shut the fuck up, but they do not regain the ability to speak until a few hours after you wake up.

So we're clear, I don't actually believe that there is a person next to my bed talking, singing, etc- that would be crazy. Plus I'd have killed them off long ago and buried them where they'd never be found. (Kidding. Crazy again.) It's just the closest thing to describe the absolute torture that is insomnia. Because it isn't that you aren't tired. Nay- you're exhausted. Your body aches, you've got a day tomorrow, a flight, an interview, a date- whatever. Sleep is a fickle bitch. She'll be there when she wants to be there. If she doesn't show- well that's your loss. Read another book, watch another rerun of Becker and change positions for the eight-hundreth time.

Sweet, unmerciful God. I'm so effing tired.