Never done heroin. I promise.

It's tough having an addiction. I mean, it works it's way into every part of your life, right? I imagine, a cokehead can't just say "Well, I'm gonna go get lunch with so-and-so, then maybe, I'll figure out what to do tonight, etc...." First of all, I guess cokeheads don't eat- second, They can't really go anywhere that doesn't have a place they can whip out the old vile and snort lines off of a flat surface, now can they? Not to mention- it's not like they can get a normal job. Can you imagine how difficult it would be to sit in a cubicle all day while vibrating on a coke high? Flat surface be damned, I don't think it's possible. Plus the money situation has to be incredibly tricky. Well, you get the idea. It's gotta be tough to be a cokehead.

So, what if your addiction is to something else- there's food- I've been through that. That one is really REALLY hard- Because it's not like alcohol or well, coke. You have to eat. If you don't eat, you die. So you can't just stop that addiction, like smoking. My dad quit smoking one day while he was still driving trucks. Just looked at the pack and thought "No, I don't want this anymore." So, on the highway between two midwestern states, he tossed the pack out the window and never looked back. You can't do that with the food. You can't just toss a burger out your window and not ever eat again. So for a person with an actual food addiction, you have to find a balance. A diet that works- it's painfully, tragically difficult! But okay- this blog isn't about food addiction.

This is about an addiction to a person. Now, person addiciton is actually alot like drug addiction because you CAN actually live without them. You can metaphorically toss them out the window and never look back, but for whatever reason you don't, You just can't. Maybe you think, one day, this person will be the person you want him to be. Maybe, he'll become what he was when I met him. Or, maybe, like heroin, you chase the dragon. Apparently, the first time you do heroin, it's the greatest, most profound experience you can ever have. It's high and low and enlightening and fantastic- so, that's what heroin addicts are doing. They're trying to find that place again. They try so hard, they buy and buy and use and use, but they're never riding that dragon again, it's just not happening. But the big trick is, the whole time they were chasing, the drug was working it's way into their bodies and, well, what d'ya know- addiction. Same thing with that person. Maybe when you first met him, he was spectacular. He was sweet and smart and caring- then something happened. Who knows what it was, but, you know, you just KNOW it's never gonna be the same as it was when you first met. Every once in awhile, you may see a glimmer, a moment where you see that guy you met a long time ago, the one you fell for. But it's fleeting. Gone, just as quickly as it appeared. Guess what?! The whole time you've been chasing this mythological person that they were either pretending to be or you made them to be, you were becoming addicted to them. It happens.

So, okay, say you give it up. Say you look at the relationship and say "No. I don't want this anymore." and stop. That's cute how you think that's gonna work. It does for awhile, right? What a glorious feeling it is, too! You wake up one day and realize that wait, maybe you're over him! You haven't thought about him in weeks, you're no longer planning your wedding or naming your children (never did that.), you're no longer crying at the thought of things he's said or done or pining over the pictures of the two of you together. You're just living- and wow- maybe even thinking about other guys. Then he calls. Or you run into him in an unexpected place, or he drops you an e-mail, and bam, there you are again. Mother fucker has alot of power for someone you were over, doesn't he?

I wish I had a charming little wrap up for this blog. Like "So here's what I've done." but I don't. You know, my friend Molly had this great relationship. They fell in love in high school and they seemed like soul mates. They were together for 5 years. It seemed natural when he asked her to marry him- then they broke up. It was ugly, messy. He hurt her in a way that will literally never heal. The thing is, Molly did get over it, sort of. She got married. She has a baby and a house. The husband- has nothing to do with the ex, their lives never crossed paths. However, it still took Molly years and YEARS to get over X. Infact, here it is, seven years later, seven years of wedded bliss, suburbs, etc and it's only recently that she and X are able to talk to each other amicably. They certainly don't spend any social time together, but they seem to care genuinely for each other's well being. Yeah- that only took SEVEN FUCKING YEARS. i don't know how I'm gonna do it. But I gotta give this up.

Why aren't there Boy Anonymous groups to join? I would so be at every meeting with a cup of terrible coffee talking about "Hi. I'm J and I'm addicted to the boy." "Hi J."

So there ya go.